Just A Reminder

I wanted to remind all 2 of my followers(and the off chance of anyone else stumbling onto this blog) that I don't update it anymore. I now update http://mindofscarebear.blogspot.com/ If you follow this blog or want to follow my babble, follow http://mindofscarebear.blogspot.com/

I Moved

Read about me at: http://mindofscarebear.blogspot.com

Rantzilla V0.1

It's hard to make me so disgusted with you that hearing your voice, seeing you, or even thinking about you makes my stomache turn. I dislike alot of people and only hate three. One of them disgusts me to that point. They do not know how to do their job correctly but somehow has a manager position. They think they're always right, even if you show them they are wrong they will claim you are and they aren't... Making it pointless to even speak to them. They told their lover that they'd do thing and quit some of the things they do, but hasn't. They flirt with other people despite having a good significant other. The mooch off othe others even when they have the money for what they want or even have the items they're mooching. They demand respect while not showing any in return. It's disgusting that they care about themselves and no one else. You have to GIVE respect to GET respect. The world does NOT revolve around you. You think this is only over one thing and it's not. It's because you're a sad excuse for a person and karma's a bitch.


I don't care what you go on to do with your life because I know karma will give you what you deserve. Just stay out of my life. I don't need negetive people ruining my day. I have way to much to be happy about for that. I have a stable relationship where my boyfriend cares about me and I care about him. I have family who care about me and visa versa. I don't treat my friends like shit by only using them to bum things off of. I have respect for those who show me some. You think I don't show you respect when all I ever do is be respectful to you. One time did I loose my temper and it wasn't about you. But you took it that way because you can't grasp that the world doesn't rotate for you. You get what you give and I feel sorry for whatever karma decides to do with you. Get over yourself.

Get Over It

People are way too touchy with words anymore. This all struck me due to those anti-gay-as-a-adjective commercials.

People get all pissy because other people call thing "gay" and the pissy people think it's offensive. The majority of people who use that word aren't using it to insult gay people and, I'm willing to bet if gay people used "straight" or "hetero" as a descriptive word, we wouldn't care. Why? Because it's all just words. Unless the user is using the word to be hateful or mean, there's no reason to get all defensive. I bet 9 out of 10 people who say things are "gay" don't mean the subject being called gay is gay because it resembles a homosexual person. That would be stupid, especially since each person has their own personality and it really can't be for that reason. It seems silly to mean to get your panties in a twist over it and it seems pointless. Words are words, just made up sounds to form structure to ideas, objects, etc. Unless they are used for hate crimes, get over it.

My View On Abortion

I know I posted this elsewhere but I figured I through it up here.

You can hate me for this one. I don't care. The subject of abortion was brought up between myself and some friends. I decided not to comment because everyone in the room seemed to think the same thing and I wasn't going to fight a battle that none of us would wave any white flags to after hearing each others views.The way I see it, abortion is cruel no matter the situation. You can tell me that its the woman's choice. That's fine and I don't disagree with that. What you do is your business, no one else should really make your choices for you. I still see it as a cruel thing to do. It ranks up there with killing no matter how you point it out for me.The biggest thing I hear is, Its okay to be done if the woman was raped. I hate that as an excuse. Shell have issues. Having the baby will cause her more stress and problems because it becomes a reminder of what happened. I'm sorry but I cant see a baby as an it no matter what stage of life they're at. She didn't choose to be raped. The child didn't choose to be conceived, so I get lost on how its okay to kill them for something they didn't choose. We don't go around aborting women who have been raped because they didn't choose to be. That was the main agreement with the group who brought it up. They said abortion is okay in the cases of rape but not okay as a birth control. Fair enough, but I still don't see rape as a great excuse. If you don't want that child, its understandable. Killing it just isn't to me. Not with adoption agencies. It was said by someone during this talk that it'd be better to abort a rape pregnancy. That actually made me want to slap the person. Their reasoning behind it was that if you bring that baby into the world, it could have the fathers tendencies to rape. Any child could end up with that. Do we realize that more often, how someone becomes as an adult is due to how they're raise as a child? Weak reasoning, in my opinion. What would you do? You get knocked up and you don't feel you're ready for a child or you get raped, would you be so sure that you wouldn't consider abortion yourself? No. Plain and simple. Ive thought this over many of times. Case (1) I decide to have sex, (I state it this way since I'm a virgin due to choosing to be). I know the child risk. I know there is no birth control that is 100% effective, some come close but none are. So I know by choosing to have sex, I'm taking the chance of getting pregnant. So if that happened, I would see no right in me aborting my choice to risk it. No one made me had sex and I believe in taking responsibility. This child wouldn't of been planned but its not their fault, why would I punish them by death? In the case of rape, case (2), the more touchy of things, I still stand with I wouldn't. I know myself well. I know how I think, how I react to things, I don't think anything could ever make me kill my child, even if they were forced onto me. No, I wouldn't have chose this to happen to me, but again, that baby didn't choose anything either. It was mentioned, also, that abortion at an early state wouldn't count as killing. This one is in the air. Its a split topic on when to consider a fetus a person. Here's how I see it though The baby is made out of you. Even if they're not fully developed, they're a part of you. Its a part of you that grows into another being. Your child, your flesh and blood. So being I see it that way, I couldn't imagine killing a person who is a part of me. Has a part me in them. I know some methods of abortion. It makes me sick to my stomach, the things they do to abort the births. If the fetus is under 6 weeks, they normally do the saline method which burns the fetus to death. The fetus reacts to this too. Ultrasounds show that the fetus pulls away from the solution which is a sign of feeling. Older ones get their brain suctioned out. If a fetus under 6 weeks can react to feeling the saline burning, an older one can more so feel its head cut open and brain destroyed. This ruins the argument of abortion being okay because the fetus cant feel, by the way. Just thinking of what the child goes through on those alone, makes me ill. So thinking of being able to put a being that is part of me, flesh and blood, through that sort of pain and death is honestly unbearable to me.I wanted to get it out. My view on it. Some of the things mentioned with these friends of mine made me a tad sick so I thought Id share my thoughts about it.You can hate it, you can hate me for it. I don't care. I don't think its right though. I still think every woman has the right to choose what she does, whether I or anyone else likes it or not, but I myself think abortion is wrong and cruel. I could never do it, no matter the case.

22 Is The New 82

I'm too young to be this... Medically fucked. It hurts me to do a lot of things that someone my age should do with no problem. My chest hurts from walking after awhile. Like I usually walk home from the library, which is around half a mile away, and before I even make it pass the first block, my chest burns. It hurts to be on my feet for too long. I'll start getting sharp pains in the heels. I get a lot of sharp pains. Especially when I work doubles. I walk and sharp pains shoot through my lower back. I sit and they shoot through my butt. My hand is crap. My right hand, the dominate hand. It cramps if I use it even for little things. It makes my job hard. We use tongs and chisel gunk off the fryer and I suffer in pain as my hand throbs or cramps up or, occasionally just goes numb. My acid reflux acts up over my straining at work. My knees are worse. They've always grind but now they do it more and actually hurt. My shoulder hurt me too. I'm all kinds of fucked and I feel I'm too young for it all. Why can't I be slightly normal? Why do I need all these issues at once?

And I'm pretty sure we emptied every bottle in the place...

I have always believed the following:
You should date someone for a year before moving in with them. When you have reached two years of dating, if you both can still stand the other person you're dating and still love them as much as you did from day one, you should get engaged. I still believe this is a good plan, especially if you started dating from the start without a long friendship before hand.

I met Randy in May of 2007 when Chelle hired me in at Middlefield KFC. I remember the first night I worked with him, telling Chelle I thought he was cute. Chelle figured I'd like him. She told me what she knew about him. A few days later she pulled us into the office and made each of us name three things we liked. Well... At least we both named one of the same things, which was music.

We talked at work and we ended up having a lot in common. Talking turned into flirting and by January of 2008, I think everyone knew I liked him except him. That month, starting the weekend after our birthdays, I started hanging out with coworkers, who by this point were friends, outside of work. This included Randy. After the second time of hanging out after work, I finally told him I liked him. My work friends and I hung out a few times more after that.

On February 20th Randy and I worked a night shift together. As we deboned chicken under an eclipsed moon, I finally got the nerve to ask him why weren't dating. He told me he wanted to wait until he had his license. Well... I tend to be impatient. I told him that shouldn't factor in because he was going eventually going to get his license sooner or later. He said, "Well...?" So I made him fully ask me me to be his girlfriend and it's been one thing I know for sure wasn't a mistake.

We've been dating for one year and two months now, (and two days), and I still love him as I did from the start, even more. And I continue to love him more and more. Honestly, if he would propose to me tomorrow, I'd say yes without a second thought. I've never been with someone who makes me feel as good as he does. Like I'm not as bad other have convinced me to believe. He's the only one who knows all my flaws, (and trust me, I have a lot of them), and still loves me. No one's ever fully accepted me for my good point and bad. I know it goes against how I think a relationship should go, but I love him to death and I know he's the one I want to spend my life with. If it helps, I think the year of friendship before dating is a loophole in my relationship plans. When I told Chelle, she sounded like she thought I was crazy for mentioning I'd marry him if he asked anytime soon. Maybe I am crazy, but I'm sure of my decision and I know how much I love him. Maybe we're too young but since when did love have an age limit?



Soon ends our stay here and it's been fun.
So tonight I'll raise my glass to us.
'Cause we've talked so much I think we filled this ashtray twice,
And I'm pretty sure we emptied every bottle in the place...

So let's walk home, let's be afraid.
I wanna grab you by the arms and kiss you so hard.
Let's do it right, under the streetlight.
I want it now, somehow I forgot how.

Way to go, way to go.
Forgot you've got so far to go.
Way to go, way to go.
Forgot you've got so far to go.

I heard everybody's voice cut out when you spoke.
And I watched all the lights go dim when your eyes opened.
Well I can't believe you showed up,
What do I do now?
It's last call, time to go.
But before we say goodnight...

Let's walk home, let's be afraid.
I wanna grab you by the arms and kiss you so hard.
Let's do it right under the streetlight.
I want it now, somehow I forgot how.

Way to go, way to go.
Forgot you've got so far to go.
Way to go, way to go.
Forgot you've got so far to go.

Forgot you've got so far, you've got so far to go.
Forgot you've got so far, you've got so far to go.
Forgot you've got so far, you've got so far to go.
Forgot you've got so far, you've got so far to go.
(You've Got So Far to Go)
(Alkaline Trio)

Tarot, Death, & Dreams

Let's start with my tarot reading last night. I felt I needed one so I got my cards out just to have them tell me that I'll most like be having creativity blocks. [sarcasm]Great... That's what I want to hear when I'm focusing on working on my book.[/sarcasm] As well as pulling a card that points to hitting a rough patch in a relationship. I'm reading Randy later today because when I told him he asked for one.

I was struck with Acid Reflux last night. I'm guessing from CiCi's and too much soda. So I didn't get to bed until 3am/4am. It does scare be to get it so bad. I can barely eat anything without almost dying. In reality, I am slightly scared it will kill me. It's quicker to read about it here: . It's pretty much that you have too much stomache acid and it started flooding up your esophagus and tends to eat at it. I'm honestly scared to even know what mine looks like by this point. I really do wish I could afford a doctor and something to help repair whatever damage there is now and to prevent further harm. That and I'm just damn tired of it. It feels like someone dragging a knife through my stomache for hours. Not to mention the occassional vomitting is gross and annoying.

Next I had a dream last night. I don't know if it meant anything, but I was at my mom's house and it was our home on Ohio Ave. Only the front was a movie theater and each row of seats had a table infront of them. It was Thanksgiving and there was alot of her friends there as well as family. Living and past members. I remember strongly that Grandma Snow was there. Also my mother's ex-boyfriend was there. All he said was that he was divorced now and I was like, "oookay." Then I went outside and built a park across the street, which was just an empty lot, (unlike how it's set up in real life). Then I started walking down the road after kids flooded the place and then I woke up. WtF?

Self Injury

I didn't start self injury for attention nor did I do it in hopes of dying, although I'm not saying I never wanted to or never tried, but the self injury was never connected to those times. I started cutting myself for a stress release. I did it to feel something other then stress and depression. When I could cut myself, it was relieving to see myself shred to pieces. It was a bigger pain then whatever had me down at the time I would do it. If I had something to distract me from my problems, I felt okay again. I felt I had friends but none that could fix my problems. They all said they were there for me but offered no solutions. I finally stopped around Easter on 2007. I've been so busy that I just realized it's close to Easter now which means it's been 2 years without self injury. I was looking at my tattoos the other night and was thinking, "Should I have gotten these?" but after realizing it's my 2 year mark from quitting that I'm proud of my tattoos. Even if people don't get them, I do. They have such a strong meaning to me. I'm proud of myself.

Childhood Or Something Like It

I was sitting up at KFC before my 6pm shift and Rich came by. Rich is a friend of the managers and known by most of us. He came in and sat with me while he ate, then my manager, Tonya showed up and joined us. We talked of a lot of things. How bad things are in the us job wise, how insane the cops are around here with pulling people over for only going maybe 4 or 5 miles over the speed limit, etc. One thing mentioned was spanking kids and I don't remember how it got brought up, but Tonya mentioned her dad would hit them for no reason. Rich mentioned some bad stuff his mom did to them and then mentioned that he never spanked his kids. His kids came out fine, by the way. It got me remember growing up at dad's place.

I don't remember much of being real little, aside from bits and pieces of Sandy's wedding on the front porch of that trailer in Cortland or the Halloween parties in the garage there. Most of my clearer memories are of bad times. Living in Bloomfield. Doing nothing but yard work and house work. Our who childhood was spent fixing that place up and if we did something wrong, we got the shit beat out of us. I remember Chelle and me having bad grades and so he made us do push ups and when we couldn't, he hit us with his leather belt, the weapon of choice most of the time. Vivid memories of painting the kitchen and dripping paint leading to dad beating me with a broom handle. Left bruises and two welts on my left arm. I remember we had a walk in attic that had no door. So dad got some wood and I had to help him duct tape it on. I wasn't holding it straight enough for him so he started beating me with a full roll of duct tape. I had a large welt on my head due to it. He'd hit us with bare hands, fist... I remember him kicking me into a door. Just kept kicking and stomping on me... I don't even remember what for. I was to embarrassed to have friends over due to his temper. The one time I had a birthday party, he yelled at us for making noise. I couldn't have friends there. Only got worse when Chelle moved out, not that I blame her, but all the shit fell on me. My only escape turned into going to church every Wednesday I could and then my every other weekend at mom's place. I didn't even like church or believe what they preached. I tried to... I just couldn't believe in a kind and loving God when home was so bad. I don't know... I feel I didn't get a childhood or even a normal teenage life. I moved to Warren and made no friends at school, didn't even make friends outside of school until I was ending school. Didn't get to do any after school function. Didn't even get to go to any Proms. I'm making sure my future kids don't have it like I did. They'll be allowed to have fun with friends over, the only work they'll do are typical house chores, and I won't abuse them. I don't plan to even spank. It's doable.

A Recap For Those Who Might Care

I was going to do a year review but realized a lot of people missed out on more then just January 2009 to now. So I'll recap from April 2007 to now.

This starts with the end of living with my mother in the trailor park. April 1st Jeremy and I moved into a triplex with his, then girlfriend, Katie and her mother has our neighbor. Now Katie and myself got along until around this time. My gut told me not to move but mom was driving me nuts and so I ignored logic and senses and went ahead with moving out. STUPID-FUCKING-IDEA. It went alright until Katie's true side finally came out. She was clingy, immature, and quite frankly not ready for a grown up relationship. Her jealousy issues were uncalled for and I was stupid and stayed there. I lived there for about 9 months putting up with all the drama and stupidity.

Anyways, come May 2007, Chelle offered me a job at KFC, knowing I needed a job. It was a pain at first, but Katie loved it. Katie had issues and thought I wanted Jeremy's nuts or something, which was bullshit. Going to work was nice because I had to stay at Chelle's for days and it was a nice break. And there was this cute boy who had my eye. Which was another thing! Even knowing how into this boy I was, Katie was still thinking I wanted Jer. STUPID. >.<

Later on Jeremy let this kid David move in. He didn't pay rent, he didn't help around the house, and he ate everything we managed to get. He also called us out for all the tension in the house. Which was stupid because all it led to was Katie saying what I already knew and that fucking crackhead next door to threaten me, which also is stupid. One she's skinny as shit and I could have broken the bitch. Plus I have friends who cage fight and would have dealt with her whether I did or not.

Anyways, lots of drama. I kept trying to kick David out because he was useless and mooching off us, to which no one really backed me up though they all told me they agreed. Soon Jeremy and Dixie started to date. Which is GREAT because Katie thought I was after Jer and I wasn't... And then he ends up with her best friend. While this happens the landlord finds out that we had, by this point, David, Zach, and Tony living there. This als causes a fall out between Jeremy and Tony who still don't talk to this day. Also leads to me being torn between friends to a point that Jeremy gets pissed off that I even talk to Tony. I had to sneak around to hang with him or else Jeremy would have kicked me out and not been my friend. In hindsight I should have let him. That was ignorant.

Soon after this Jeremy claims that I'm treating him like shit then up and moves out by Christmas. This causes me to be homeless for a week because my mother wasn't ready for me to move back and had someone living in my room she had to kick out. I had to bum friend's couches. On the night of my 21st birthday I got ahold of him which he was pissed I had Dixie's number. His gift? Telling me I was shit and if I ever pull whatever it was he thinks I did, he'd kill me. I realized then he was completely different and a douche. So I ended back at my mother's place, but January ended well. KFC bowling started some good things... Like drinking with the KFC boys, including my mondo-crush. After bowling Andrew and Randy came to Chelle's and we drank. Soon we were at my mom's drinking every weekend and becoming better friends. February came and I told Randy, while drinking, that I like him. And when he came over we'd end up falling asleep with each other. The 20th was it. We were deboning and I finally asked why he hadn't asked me out yet because he acted like he liked me. He told me he planned to when he got his license. I told him it didn't matter and then made him ask me out. He did. It was powerful... So powerful that the moon left the sky. ...lol... Nothing to do with the eclipse. >.>

I was happy again. Later on Dixie started inviting people over and Jeremy acted as if nothing happened. It bugged me but Dixie's a friend and I didn't want to start shit. By summer I was practically living with Randy at his parents. Fall came. Randy and I found a basement apartment in a triplex and moved in. Jeremy got a job up here and stays here when he works... Really only agreed to this for Dixie and her mom.

This February was our one year anniversary. We went to A&W. That was it. We couldn't afford anything fancy, not even a movie date. It's hard. KFC doesn't pay us much and we live by the skin of our teeth. Still happy. I live with an amazing boy who I can't wait to be with for a long time. He's even mentioned us getting hitched but it'll be awhile. He's too young. We've even talked about when we have kids... Far down the road of life. I want a boy and a girl. I'm willing to try 3 times. We know we want to name our first son Damien and first daughter Lilith. Also have a 2nd son's name. Alexander. It's Randy's middle name and I'm a Buffy dork and like the fact that I could have a Xander for a kid. Lol Guess that's about all anyone missed.

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Groundhog's Day

I had a conversation this morning with Randy and Jeremy over how stupid Groundhog's Day is. Think about it, people based the weather on this groundhog. If he see his shadow and leaves, we get more winter, of not, spring will be here soon. Every February 2nd they get this groundhog to come and see if he sees a shadow, but of course he will. They have lights, cameras, and alot of noise. So of course there will be a shadow and the noise would scare me back into a hole. It's really a stupid tradition. We'd be better off find a guy to drop his pants once a year and if he farts... There's your six more weeks of winter.