22 Is The New 82

I'm too young to be this... Medically fucked. It hurts me to do a lot of things that someone my age should do with no problem. My chest hurts from walking after awhile. Like I usually walk home from the library, which is around half a mile away, and before I even make it pass the first block, my chest burns. It hurts to be on my feet for too long. I'll start getting sharp pains in the heels. I get a lot of sharp pains. Especially when I work doubles. I walk and sharp pains shoot through my lower back. I sit and they shoot through my butt. My hand is crap. My right hand, the dominate hand. It cramps if I use it even for little things. It makes my job hard. We use tongs and chisel gunk off the fryer and I suffer in pain as my hand throbs or cramps up or, occasionally just goes numb. My acid reflux acts up over my straining at work. My knees are worse. They've always grind but now they do it more and actually hurt. My shoulder hurt me too. I'm all kinds of fucked and I feel I'm too young for it all. Why can't I be slightly normal? Why do I need all these issues at once?

And I'm pretty sure we emptied every bottle in the place...

I have always believed the following:
You should date someone for a year before moving in with them. When you have reached two years of dating, if you both can still stand the other person you're dating and still love them as much as you did from day one, you should get engaged. I still believe this is a good plan, especially if you started dating from the start without a long friendship before hand.

I met Randy in May of 2007 when Chelle hired me in at Middlefield KFC. I remember the first night I worked with him, telling Chelle I thought he was cute. Chelle figured I'd like him. She told me what she knew about him. A few days later she pulled us into the office and made each of us name three things we liked. Well... At least we both named one of the same things, which was music.

We talked at work and we ended up having a lot in common. Talking turned into flirting and by January of 2008, I think everyone knew I liked him except him. That month, starting the weekend after our birthdays, I started hanging out with coworkers, who by this point were friends, outside of work. This included Randy. After the second time of hanging out after work, I finally told him I liked him. My work friends and I hung out a few times more after that.

On February 20th Randy and I worked a night shift together. As we deboned chicken under an eclipsed moon, I finally got the nerve to ask him why weren't dating. He told me he wanted to wait until he had his license. Well... I tend to be impatient. I told him that shouldn't factor in because he was going eventually going to get his license sooner or later. He said, "Well...?" So I made him fully ask me me to be his girlfriend and it's been one thing I know for sure wasn't a mistake.

We've been dating for one year and two months now, (and two days), and I still love him as I did from the start, even more. And I continue to love him more and more. Honestly, if he would propose to me tomorrow, I'd say yes without a second thought. I've never been with someone who makes me feel as good as he does. Like I'm not as bad other have convinced me to believe. He's the only one who knows all my flaws, (and trust me, I have a lot of them), and still loves me. No one's ever fully accepted me for my good point and bad. I know it goes against how I think a relationship should go, but I love him to death and I know he's the one I want to spend my life with. If it helps, I think the year of friendship before dating is a loophole in my relationship plans. When I told Chelle, she sounded like she thought I was crazy for mentioning I'd marry him if he asked anytime soon. Maybe I am crazy, but I'm sure of my decision and I know how much I love him. Maybe we're too young but since when did love have an age limit?



Soon ends our stay here and it's been fun.
So tonight I'll raise my glass to us.
'Cause we've talked so much I think we filled this ashtray twice,
And I'm pretty sure we emptied every bottle in the place...

So let's walk home, let's be afraid.
I wanna grab you by the arms and kiss you so hard.
Let's do it right, under the streetlight.
I want it now, somehow I forgot how.

Way to go, way to go.
Forgot you've got so far to go.
Way to go, way to go.
Forgot you've got so far to go.

I heard everybody's voice cut out when you spoke.
And I watched all the lights go dim when your eyes opened.
Well I can't believe you showed up,
What do I do now?
It's last call, time to go.
But before we say goodnight...

Let's walk home, let's be afraid.
I wanna grab you by the arms and kiss you so hard.
Let's do it right under the streetlight.
I want it now, somehow I forgot how.

Way to go, way to go.
Forgot you've got so far to go.
Way to go, way to go.
Forgot you've got so far to go.

Forgot you've got so far, you've got so far to go.
Forgot you've got so far, you've got so far to go.
Forgot you've got so far, you've got so far to go.
Forgot you've got so far, you've got so far to go.
(You've Got So Far to Go)
(Alkaline Trio)

Tarot, Death, & Dreams

Let's start with my tarot reading last night. I felt I needed one so I got my cards out just to have them tell me that I'll most like be having creativity blocks. [sarcasm]Great... That's what I want to hear when I'm focusing on working on my book.[/sarcasm] As well as pulling a card that points to hitting a rough patch in a relationship. I'm reading Randy later today because when I told him he asked for one.

I was struck with Acid Reflux last night. I'm guessing from CiCi's and too much soda. So I didn't get to bed until 3am/4am. It does scare be to get it so bad. I can barely eat anything without almost dying. In reality, I am slightly scared it will kill me. It's quicker to read about it here: . It's pretty much that you have too much stomache acid and it started flooding up your esophagus and tends to eat at it. I'm honestly scared to even know what mine looks like by this point. I really do wish I could afford a doctor and something to help repair whatever damage there is now and to prevent further harm. That and I'm just damn tired of it. It feels like someone dragging a knife through my stomache for hours. Not to mention the occassional vomitting is gross and annoying.

Next I had a dream last night. I don't know if it meant anything, but I was at my mom's house and it was our home on Ohio Ave. Only the front was a movie theater and each row of seats had a table infront of them. It was Thanksgiving and there was alot of her friends there as well as family. Living and past members. I remember strongly that Grandma Snow was there. Also my mother's ex-boyfriend was there. All he said was that he was divorced now and I was like, "oookay." Then I went outside and built a park across the street, which was just an empty lot, (unlike how it's set up in real life). Then I started walking down the road after kids flooded the place and then I woke up. WtF?

Self Injury

I didn't start self injury for attention nor did I do it in hopes of dying, although I'm not saying I never wanted to or never tried, but the self injury was never connected to those times. I started cutting myself for a stress release. I did it to feel something other then stress and depression. When I could cut myself, it was relieving to see myself shred to pieces. It was a bigger pain then whatever had me down at the time I would do it. If I had something to distract me from my problems, I felt okay again. I felt I had friends but none that could fix my problems. They all said they were there for me but offered no solutions. I finally stopped around Easter on 2007. I've been so busy that I just realized it's close to Easter now which means it's been 2 years without self injury. I was looking at my tattoos the other night and was thinking, "Should I have gotten these?" but after realizing it's my 2 year mark from quitting that I'm proud of my tattoos. Even if people don't get them, I do. They have such a strong meaning to me. I'm proud of myself.